estranged and delusional

Nauseous
Disillusioned

Self inflicted hurt.
Lost
And crying

Letters
Refuge
Love
Life

Am I innocent?
Am I deceitful?

Self inflicted hurt.
Lost
And crying

betting emotion
Truth
Alone without an end

Not fire but peaceful waters
Flowing unexpectedly
With no end light in sight

Self inflicted hurt.
Lost
And crying

Describe it.
Know it.
Impossible
preposterous

Hoping against false hopes
betting against bad bets
fighting against preemptive rivals
That who I am
The definition of my soul
My womb
The blood that rushes through my existence
not of hate
not of wrong
but of honest meaning

self inflicted hurt.
lost
and crying

where did I leave my being
who lives in my body
and from where did they arrive?

leave me self inflicted with hurt,
lost,
and crying.

death comes unexpectedly

life begins
stuff happens
life ends

mom said
life's a bitch
and then you die

painted a rainbow over it

you win some
you smoke some
you hurt some
you run some

purple nosed
heart burning
surprise
surprise
ain't that familiar

the last moments
taste them
breath them in

they're fleeting.

then soundness and
mellow
turn to paces
and frets.
and let's not forget
corrected texts.

fuck them.
he was right
thwart the thicket,
drink drunk,
live longingly,
and do it
the best you know how
and know that it's the worst that makes it
the best.

and don't forget your book

seen

panic explodes
with mind racing
and heart pounding.
skin flushed.
rapid breathing

concealed calmness of secrets,
expressionless,
intense perspiration;
attempts
to thwart and hide.
it.

but not
you

others
glance,
noticing not
the Discrete,
Sincere,
Natural Beauty
that is ever-present
in deliberate voice,
heightened spirit,
exacting text,
and now

finally

discernable through sweet sight

speaking so deeply
yet saying nothing
only bending the matter that makes up the matter
that fills the space between.
that space between.
that space between.
you
and me.

and them

i loathe them
they walk through the space
bending as they please
stripping it of its beauty
and wonder

nipping from the opaque openness
from the fumbled fleeting feeling
from the impatient ironic idiocy
that is achingly alone.
All for you

fuck them.

watching the Beauty,
the Loveliness,
that is so full
It threatens to drown me

oh,
someone. simply.
save me

rain

flailing of water
arouses dead streets
polling visceral intellect.

as a child
floundering unconsciously in that affect idea
dreaming then
that what is known now

white foamy water fills the lane
with what I wished
I felt not

fluid mind,
life thwarted
diseases and aching
in
floundering, frothing water.
known dwindles while
reality abstracts.

sentiment remains
only as whirling water,
uninhibited vibrant state
between gas and solid particles
lovely to feel;
turbulent to live.

oh the desire evoked
swelling my cup
pounding my drum
squeezing my soul

longing for that what is ash and clean

it lives in my resolute mind
as if I were not
wishing it were memories

and the memories to make yet

judgment calls

stumbling in the dark
fumbling for the banister
legs aching and shaky
each step of the way

worn shoes
ripped sleeves
shorn hair
and dirty faced
walking aimlessly through this life.

groping
and grappling
indulging
and purging
perching
or slouching
and with all we have

broke, burnt and ill
calling to you

incessant nothingness
from the likes of so called allies.

the world reciprocates
the breeze and the streams and the rolling of the clouds
"to be alone;
must be faced"

the overheated and freezing
the empty and the full;
they know

to starve
and suffer,
bleed and
ogle into death's blind, knowing eye

with only a candle flickering with wonder
to keep me company

paradoxical being

like the wind
rattles the leaves from their home
on bent and mangled branches

like the water
flows vigorously, rubbing the smooth
stone where the river makes its bed

that being in nature
the all-knowing and pervasive being

so too does that being ache for its home
among the aging branches
to climb in them and make a concrete bed
and chill from the wind
a deep sense of isolation and desolate existence
and flow like the water through that desolation
the fluidity of existence becomes the mortar of home

flooding of the soul
with love and spiritual knowing
becomes numbness
and aversion of affect

alone in that natural
universal
and unique concrete fluidity

modality of meaningful friendship

immense
innumerable
sadness
betrayal
of the platonic
knowing of the being

Forcible Interaction
pains me
angst
aching

clumsy abandonment

the reconnect
fumbled
lacking a mitt
no reassuring hand
to assist

it is lovely
yet wicked
in a knowing sort of way

to know a soul
to embrace it
and then to be fucked
by it

consequently
ironically
i am the mitt
the hand
the assistance
for the one
the one
that embodies the wicked lovely soul

oh please God
is this the way of the
world

to wane tiredness
is this
the only mode of living

i desire none of it

to purge and to suffer

utter panic
frustration
Irritation.
thwarted emotive content

Heinous Beauty
plagues the context
pervasive bewilderment
yet identifiable knowing

verbal ineptness
blocked mind
wary physique

musical atonement to my Sin
the Sin that inhabits mind
the Sin that rides my existence
each moment extends into the next
full of the Sin
the Sin that embodies
my every Action
every Thought
and the whole of my being

am I the hurt
and afflicted?
Or am I the one
inflicting.
Laboring.
Manufacturing.
the hurt?

normative behavior

alarms sound
children shriek
traditionalists
conservative
narcissistic assholes
fucking the system!

they say
this and they say
that

they say but do they
feel?
do they know?

they do not engage
with deeply rooted knowledge
while
fucking with my mind
my heart
my being
my sister
and my brother

wrong and right.
who knows
anyone
at all
if anyone
knows
right and wrong
am I
one of them?

oh life
why do you tempt me so?

the evil and the pure
the pushed and the pulled
the fucked and the fucking
the haters and the lovers
the fighters and the cop outs

they each cause and
prescribe to
the cycles of existence

breaking bread

miraculously lovely
remarkably poignant
soulful creature
floating
and fumbling

amongst the beings
of the world of word
and sentiment
and All that is good
and All that is evil

chance encounter
amidst
one fortuitous
lifetime
suffering indulgently
with countless
fluky continuums

donor

safest induction

ardent immersion

lacerated umbrage
and
searing pain
induced willfully
at the heart-hand
of the one
the one
the one
filling the place
that is raw
and wanton
and who

vile
and healthy

left
bleeding
yet
jocundly scarred
the latent and the percipient
of realism
the one knowing
and the one known
the inner
centered
being
that has unceasingly and will perpetually
be present
ever more
with
or
without scribed
permissble-ness

morose daffiness

utter bewilderment
of high-pitched secrecy
strident silence

abrasion
evasion
of
writhing blithe

caught

buried fear
sits rotting
endeavors to dig
to intellectualize
what is lost and obsolete
hopes to regain hope
fears to salvage fear

afraid to embrace
time gone awry
genetic muse
stranger in the evening light

before.
it went
tucked neatly back
into the drawer

now
surfacing of the jean
breaks levees
and much more
agonizing pain
manipulated protection
tantalizing pleasure

self induced
savored
till pathways
bloom
and choice insist
on what is foreign
full of bliss
and sorrow

to wonder
to wander
not to know
what is known

faerieland

harmonious roar of calmness

dense circulation of

joint experiences
a blade in the knoll
while the chiggers itch
at your mind
where zeal and detachment
meet
waxing and waning

transposing into
more mystified
less concise

extrapolating

nothingness memories
saturating
empty fervor

concession